Chris Cantwell Roast

'Six Sigma is a statistical problem solving methodology training that has become a large part of my career. It has a very specific language of mathematical terms. On graduation, the class tasked me with a getting a gift for the trainer, Chris, and everyone loved it when I read the poem at the graduation dinner and presented Chris with a signed and framed copy of the poem. It was a unique gift and one Chris assures me he will never forget.'

To move up the ladder in the land of TAI
You must be trained in the art of MI
And sooner or later, and the training will tell
You'll end up in the classroom of Mr. Chris Cantwell
In QE training, for this wave of eight
Though the learning skills low, the training was great
Calculating capability or the sum of the squares
Chi2 testing, counting the errors
We use dotplots and boxplots, capability analysis
MTP, AHP, tools that are fabulous!
We figure z scores and p scores, 2 sample Ts
Paretos, contingencies, Regressions, ‘oh, please!
Stop Chris, my brain hurts, we can't take anymore!’
‘ Well girl’, he answers, ‘you're mine until four!’
So we settle back down in our 'comfortable' chairs
Sharing those famous ‘deer in the headlight’ stares
He says, ‘Open MiniTab, go to Stats, Basic Statistics
Choose 2 proportion, sample’, he actually expects us
To follow along, figure correlations vs cause
Like we can actually answer each time he makes a........pause
Drill down! Where's the data? Is it continuous or discrete?
As the catapult shoots, you count M&Ms and hope your models complete
Dave Norris stops in, when things get too rough
And quietly heckles, ‘boy this room is tough!’
Now Chris likes a good joke, acknowledges wit when it’s seen
And pokes fun all he can, at his friend Dennis Dean
He's patient with most, but it’s known he was tried
By the wisecracking of Terry, referred to only as ‘the sales guy’
Dick had some ideas and some egg on his face
As he tried to explain, ‘It was just one decimal place!’
But nobody's face could have turned any redder
Than when David was asked to explain how his car price was better
Morimotosan made us look bad, using every tool in the book
And Donna was determined to find data, no matter what it took
John and Darren brought a marketing point of view, if you don't mind the wait
For delivery of your launch materials or your rebate
But Sergio and Aaron have an engineers view
With impressive charts, graphs and even moving video to show what they knew
Now Suki and Chris simply worked through their projects
While behind their screens, the whole time, they were muttering wisecracks
So here's graduation, we've joined the best of the best
And Thank God it over, we passed that damn test
Chris, you're a cobber to all and now that we're through
We want to say thank you for all that you do
Thank you for racing from MiniTab screen to screen
(If you blink, then you’re lost, and you all know what I mean)
Thanks for assuming we remember our calculus
Or are still able to do all the math from years past
Thank you for making class fun and by the way
Thank you for making fun of me, each and every day
We laughed and we learned and stretched past our limits
Started seeing the possibilities: the project might just get finished
Black Belt training was fun, well.. interesting, ok,..intense
The relief at seeing that token on my plaque is going to be immense
Graduating tonight, in no small part thanks to all
Of our Black Belts and mentors and trainers to call
So thank you to all who have helped on this road
We’re off to start projects and carry our share of the load!

~Tina Ann


Personal poetry for all occassions


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